my dad loves me. my mom loves me. my dada loves me. my dadi loves me.
my dada hurts my mom. i want to hate him for it, but i cant. cause he loves me. he would do anything for me. i cant get myself to hurt him! he doesnt even understand why he hurts my mom half the time he hurts her. he doesnt even have a coherent mindset to reason about the world with. how can i bring myself to hate him? but i want to hate him with every fiber of my being when he hurts my mom. but how can i! i wrestle with this every day.
my dad hurts my mom. he doesnt understand words do more hurt than anything. he doesnt know how to explain things without getting angry. he doesnt understand how to understand without being angry. he hurts everyone in a multitude of ways for he wants to protect everyone. he doesnt understand he hurts more than he protects, the tradeoff there is fucked.
my mom takes it all. she doesnt understand she will keep getting more, more she takes. she takes it all so as to keep everything stable. she loves my dad. no one understands how much she has done for the family. no one. not even me at its fullest extent. my mom in doing so has changed.
i am loved. but people who love me are stupid. they hurt each other indiscriminately and in doing so hurt me the most. i cant do fuck all but watch.
heavy is the heart that is loved.
its probably not as bad as i make it out to be. theres no physical violence, i am not a bystander when there is anymore. its more guilt farming and explaining why, what they do is justified, which hurts me the most.
its astounding to me that people dont understand the whole point of being in a family is to maximize happiness for all and not just earn money, or sacrifice yourself. the whole point of being a family is you get to be transparent to each other and get to care for each other and share in everyones worries. its not giving yourself a role and performing it to perfection, and in doing so hurting everyone around you. its not virtue signaling and guilt farming everyone so they fell sympathy towards you. its not lying to hide uncomfortable and sometimes benign useless truths.
stupid how obvious this is and how no one seems to understand this. i cant get them to. no one takes me seriously. even if they did, i do not know if everyone can understand.
i was shaking when i wrote this. i cant just leave them. thats not me. i dont care. the hurt wont go away if i leave, ill just be oblivious to it. i cant do it to them. thats not me. i am not someone who can turn a blind eye to shit like this. i cant maximize happiness this way. thats not me.
worst part is they care. they just dont understand. they care, but are stupid and oblivious. only if they understood. my heart would be less heavy.
i am fine though. it aint as hard as it seems. most days i dont even think about this, its more like once a week that shit happens.
its fine though. i am more lucky than i am sad. all this is teaching me is how to be a good dad, a good role model for my kid and a good family man. i know i will be great cause i know what not to do and how not to behave! i know what causes the most hurt and how to conduct oneself when hurt. i am confident i will be an incredible dad thanks to mine! he is amazing, but he has taught me what not to do just as much as what to do and how to be a good man. i feel i am being extra harsh and he does not deserve this, but the more i think about this the more i think this to be the truth.