mindset

i wanted to write more about my mindset and how i perceive things and move in life.

by mindset i mean the core thoughts/principles which underlie all of my actions and other thoughts. if i see an action or a thought as wrong or misguided or inaccurate, that means i need to either think more about or update some part of my mindset. this is i know a very ambitious undertaking! whatever i write here will not be the 1000% truth of how i feel ofc, but i will strive for it to be, to the truth as close as possible. i have not thought concretely and rigorously about my mindset, but i have a vague sense of what it is, this will help a lot in wearing out the kinks in it.

this will be a rolling document. i will try to be as blunt and real as possible. i will try to not write things that seem cool to a third party, but isn’t the complete truth. i will try to be as unbiased and as third persony as possible. i will try to be as critical as i can of my own mindset and document how it changes and gets better. ofc all these will be ‘tries’ as i cannot ensure i will be in the same headspace when i write the entire thing. but rest assured ill try my best. i plan to go about writing this in chunks.

the more i write this, the less confident i am in its correctness. ofc i am trying to be as honest as possible, but these just read like ramblings and they are ramblings but i am actively trying to be as coherent as i can. ill need to rewrite the whole thing after i am done i think, if ill ever be done that is!

hopefully i document everything and in good words.

• i know that i am really really good and thats why its my obligation to do something with my life. and by do something, i don’t know what i mean. so i try to do good/great things whenever i can. i try to keep getting better whatever way i can, cause that may enable me to ‘do something’ later on. thats, i think my motivation. for now though, my motivation is earning more money more and more money until i can figure out a way to game the system to keep earning a baseline amount of money passively, for sustenance and living well. theres a shit ton of ambiguity here i know! but i have a strong sense that ill know once i get there. i know the trap of being greedy and i know i dont want to fall prey to it. i also know i am self aware enough that i wont let myself fall prey for a substantial period of time. i might have more to say here, i have more thoughts but they aren’t connecting/articulating well.*

• i try to enjoy my work. whatever way i can. that maybe trying out new tools to make work interesting, or trying out a new framework/system of work, using a new window manager (not anymore as im on a mac) or even just using a new editor. this ties in with the getting better part as i also see this as minmaxing my workflow.

• i try to be as transparent and genuine as i can be. this is kinda hard as i also understand some meta games in interactions with people and also i understand how people think. i try to gain an upper hand in conversations by trying to get a good read on people, i think almost everyone good everyone does this consciously or subconsciously. ofc this whole mechanism is mostly off when talking to family and friends. thats why i come off as unreliable and more vulnerable when talking to them i feel, cause i just be saying shit sometimes, i dont really validate my ‘gut feeling’ when talking to people i trust. i do try to be aware when i do it, and preface or make sure after i say shit that what i said can be wrong i was talking outta my ass! idk if this the correct way to do things, but idc i don’t want to minmax my conversations with family and friends. that’s beside the point, i’m trying to be genuine.

• i try to NOT game my work, ever. i genuinely believe if i am not honest with my work, if i dont give my all, i cant make it. now, same as before i do not know what ‘making it’ means, all i know is i know for a fact down to my bones i cant do it if i am not honest with regards to my work. i try not to leisure around if i have work to do, and make excuses as to why i haven’t done it yet. i know this makes me susceptible to being ‘gamed’ ie taken advantage of, i consent to this, upto a certain extent, then after i think ill either leave the place, or game my work until i can. i hate being taken advantage of, ofc. there should be a mutual respect between my employer and me. if i am willing to be honest about my work, i expect my employer to be honest with me too! i am very lucky to be able to think like this and work like this, ik. going back to the og point though, i also know i cant do this every single time. i have some issues too, i do do this from time to time, but very very rarely, and whenever i do it the guilt always sticks with me every single day until i resolve it/do it (eg terraform provider). i see that guilt as non-failure, cause i accept i have some issues from time to time, situations are complex enough sometimes to warrant not following this one to the T. the day i stop feeling guilt, is the day i either have to switch jobs, or reevaluate my life and priorities! maybe thats when ill retire, idk.

• i want to be a good person, more than i want anything. it feels cringe to even type this, but if i dont add to happiness in the world, i dont wanna harm it. the whole point of life i thought, until recently (now im not sure) is to maximize happiness, i still think its great to do this ofc! i try to do this for my family and friends. i used to not prioritize my own happiness just to maximise theirs before, but i dont think thats a good thing to do. i came to a conclusion that they would probably want me to be happy as well! so i should do things which maximize happiness for all, and not things which maximize happiness just for them. this ties into how i just dont care about some things, or some decisions like what to eat and what to wear and all, cause somehow i have taught myself to not have strong opinions as well, cause i thought that would not maximize happiness… actually a lot of my personal characteristics can be explained this way. ofc the un opinionatedness can be explained by wanting to fit in too! i am not saying there is a singular reason for all of my characteristics but i am sure this reason plays a part. i stumbled upon this happiness is the reason to exist thing one night when staring at the ceiling trying to think through why i am alive and if i can find meaning in something that i can do while being alive. i landed on this, maximizing happiness for people i care about, is why i am alive. sounds beautiful, thats probably why i loved it. sounds cool to say. ofc how this ties in to being a good guy is i think a good guy tries to maximize happiness for other good people. if this gives a very teenager vibe, its cause i thought of this when i was one. i have thought more deeply into all the points here, but i haven’t really felt the need to update any of them. the premises and the arguments maybe childish or even wrong, but the conclusions are all more or less correct i think.

• life is a game of balance.